By all means

 Hi

It's been a while since we talk to each other, right?

Not sure if it's just me that put some distance between us. 

Whenever I look at the message list, I do hope you still there, chat a random stuff and complain about your overtime work. And there's me, happily tell you about my day and scold you because you don't have a proper meal. You ask why I enjoy read novel so much, not really understand, but end up listen to my little summary about the book. We used to talk about everything. Here and there, you're always the first person I wanna talk to.

At this state, reach you up should be the last thing that I do. You have your own comfort now, with someone else. It's not wrong, isn't it? Because what we had until now is friendship. There's always time when I feel blessed to have you. But in another round, I want to put a wall, hide myself and think about us all over again. We used to have a great time. Being with you makes me forget how lonely I am. To have you as a friend is such a previllage of mine.

And the time comes, when I know I cherish you more than I should. It's stupid. I'm the one who make everything settle down the way I want. But you never break the wall. So I really thought that we could never, ever more than this. I don't have much strength and courage to cross the line. And perhaps, you never feel the way I do. We're together and yet it feels like we stuck in a different room.

It confuse me, how I should act in front of you now. Nothing seems trouble you, maybe because you believe that I never catch feeling towads you. It's awkward, how my heart aches when you didn't tell me a single things about being with her, and yet I still wish you two hapiness. 

I always tell my self, 'don't act like you love him'. Cause I know I don't. Not the love that makes me want you, the whole you just for me. It's another type of love. I don't wanna lose you, jealous when I see you laugh and get so close with others. It scares me to think that you have another person to complain about your day. But at the end of the day, I know I'm not the one that you're searching for, and vice versa. We could never be each others home.

We are always an inch away, as if a step closer could make us drown. Now here I am, questioning about your whole existance in my life while you are away beyond my reach. If it's not love, if it's not about me regret to let you go,  if it's not about me that want more from you, if it's not about me that miss you, then what is it? The list is endless.

When the question comes to an end, I know exactly what the answer is.

By all means, I said in silent.

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